


holding on but i should let go

by troubledsouls



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: A lil noncon so be safe, Suicide mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9190217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledsouls/pseuds/troubledsouls
Summary: Josh shaves his head.





	1. Chapter 1

It's 20 minutes before the show when Josh decides to shave his head. 

He's in his suit, towel thrown across his shoulders, watching in the mirror as dyed yellow hair falls away from his scalp. He wants to feel sad, wants to feel _something_. 

He feels nothing. 

It's two minutes before the show and someone is knocking on the door to his dressing room and yelling that it's almost showtime. 

Josh pulls on his mask, discards the towel onto the floor, and steps out. 

Tyler looks at him weird as he pulls on his own mask. “What's up?” 

Josh tries to smile, fails. “Lets just go.”

Josh is tense as he drums, anxiety filling up the hole in his emotions as the curtain drops. He pours it into his drums. 

Some part him wants to keep it, so at least he’ll feel something, but he also knows that if it isn't released he will shake apart into pieces that Tyler will have to glue back together. 

He doesn't want to make Tyler do that. His best friend has issues of his own to deal with. 

Josh runs on muscle memory through the first songs, ignoring the growing impulse to throw his drumsticks into the crowd and then join them and let himself be pulled down by prying hands, let the fans do what they want to him. 

He knows that's a bad impulse. 

Tyler obviously notices something's wrong, because while they're waiting backstage for the last bit of the video to play he walks up to Josh just as the latter pulls his mask off. 

Tyler gasps, audibly, and it's enough to make tears start welling in Josh's eyes. 

Tyler runs a hand over Josh's shaved head, then presses a kiss to his forehead. “Do we need to stop the show?”

The thought makes Josh terrified. He shakes his head quick, fast. He can't let anyone down. 

“Then lets go.” 

Josh walks onstage to frenzied screams. 

He blocks out the crowd until Ride, until he has to climb onto a shaking platform surrounded by hands and faces and voices. 

He looks back to Tyler as he stands on the platform. He wavers, just a bit, hands shaking. 

He lets himself fall. 

Hands touch him, lessen his impact as he sinks into the crowd, eyes closing. Hands run over his chest, his head, his thighs. They grab at his neck, his butt, his crotch. 

Josh lets himself float, lets himself be touched, lets his body go limp as if he's passed out. 

Someone reaches down his pants, and Josh feels his body jerk, hears people laugh. 

Hands, hands, hands, they're everywhere, touching him feeling him up and Josh lets them _lets them he doesn't understand why he's letting them_

Tyler's yelling something. Josh hears him swear, but the buzzing in his ears is rising too loud for him to make anything out clearly. 

The hands leave him, and Josh misses their intruding touches. 

Someone picks him up, and Josh feels himself be carried out of the pit, away from the loudness and the hands. 

He's laid down on something softer than a floor, but he doesn't feel like opening his eyes and seeing what's happening. 

He's left alone.


	2. Chapter 2

“Josh?”

That's Tyler. 

Josh opens his eyes and looks up into the worried and tear-streaked face of his best friend. 

“Oh, thank god you're alright.” Josh is pulled into a tight hug that he can't find the energy to reciprocate. “I… I thought…”

Of course Tyler would assume the worst. 

“I'm sorry.” Josh mumbles. He shuts his eyes and doesn't look at Tyler. “I… I ruined everything, I bet you had to stop the show, I-”

“Shh, no, you didn't do anything wrong.” Tyler whispers. He releases Josh from the hug and sits back. “Sorry. I should've asked first.”

“It's okay.” Josh can feel tears pricking at his eyes.

“Can you do tomorrows show, or do we have to cancel?”

“I… we can't cancel a show, not because I'm having a bad day.” Josh desperately wants Tyler to leave, to stop looking at him, to stop analyzing his disgusting body and seeing into the cracks of his facade. 

Tyler seems to know, be cause Josh hears him walk away. 

Somehow, it feels even worse than the analyzing. 

Tyler deserves better than Josh, better than his dirty dirty self. 

How long until the tour ended? Two weeks?

Josh could make it those two weeks. 

Josh made a pact with himself that as soon as the tour was ended, as soon as he was home and away from Tyler, he'd kill himself. 

It'd be for the best.


End file.
